I've got 50 things to do, but I'll get back to you...

A line from one of the songs on the first record my sister and I ever bought when we suddenly figured out that we were allowed to listen to rock and roll. I was in 8th grade and the album was Eat Your Paisley by the Dead Milkmen. And we knew nothing about music or even punk rock music. We just that the cover looked funny. It was $6.99 on sale, and Audrey and I listened to that album forever. To this day, I think I know almost every word to every song. My parents had NO idea of the radical switch from Amy Grant and they probably would have cared if they'd listened to it. And I'm trying to Google this to a link of the song, but I can't find it because no one really liked that album except for me.


I keep thinking about this blog and how much I want to write in it, but I don't because I can't justify the time, and thoughts keep piling up and then I don't want to write because there's too much to write about,and I just end up forgetting everything anyway. Somehow, all these little "realizations" seem to feel so ultra important to me in a way I can only describe as the importance that my mom hang ALL of my artwork on the refrigerator. Like every little thought means so much.

Things are okay right now...to the point of being pretty good. I'm noticing that this whole elipsis thing (...) has become part of my way of writing and I don't like it. I have a friend that does it and it's become very addicting. I notice he does it at seemingly inappropriate times while writing (times that make no sense). I don't want to become like that.

So, here's a summary of what's up. I'm on a "get the f**K out of the city" kick, because of the school situation. I also wonder if Emmett's stress is connected to the busy way of our lives. Sometimes I think if we moved somewhere without distraction, maybe that would make me a better mom. So Lancaster has become my Eden, and everything seems so perfect there (although I've only been there once in my adult life). Okay, having said that, all of the sudden I'm going through this massive appreciation of everything about living in this city, although I still consider it second rate.

(In my mind I'm thinking, "Stop. Start over. I hate the tone of this post. Are you trying to prove you are underground with the Dead Milkmen part in the beginning? What's with the "f**K" part of the get out of the city paragraph. You don't curse. Are you trying to be edgy?". That's the problem with not blogging regularly. So I state here and now that I was not cool when I was in 8th grade, despite my one cool album, and that I do not curse and that I only referenced that explective because I felt it at that moment, and that my thoughts on Philadelphia as a second rate city are only because I still feel and will always feel that New York is the coolest).

So, I'm going through this massive thing about schools and realized, I force things through the way I want them, and the puny Philadelphia lottery muscle is no match for my will. And if I want Emmett in Meredith, I'll get him in there, so I started the process.

Then suddenly, Mike comes home and informs me that he talked to Uda (if you don't know her, you should meet her) and that we should consider home-schooling. I'm like "Mike, I get mad at Emmett for stamping a card in the wrong place. I get frustrated when he can't remember to start his capital G's at the top, how in the world could I homeschool". I don't really know what Mike is thinking except that Uda thought it would be a good idea and we don't like all this gun talk that's coming home from pre-school. He's into a collective. A Co-op etc. If I look at my sister Ana, she did turn out better than Audrey and I in her temperment (she was homeschooled for a few years), but I remember my mom sort of cheating. Like, cooking dinner was part of homeschooling (Ana can't cook). Or, me teaching Ana to type was part of homeschooling. Or me teaching a class was part of it (I was like 19).

(thoughts going through my head: This is boring! This is boring for anyone that's not you! Official disclaimer: This is for me and I'm sorry if it's boring).

A quick list of thoughts:

1. Emmett is regressing lately. It's definitely connected to the baby. I'm expecting him to be older than he is. I need desperately to work on this. I feel bad for Emmett because before the baby, he was my world. Now, the baby is my world, and I don't lavish the attention that I once did on him. However, Emmett is still my special boy. he's my first-born and I feel like we have a bond that no one can break. I need him to feel this though.

2. My marriage is getting better. To the point that it's pretty good. Mike looks hot to me lately, as he's growing his beard longer and updating his wardrobe. I sometimes think that I would notice him walking down the street if we never met.

3. Ethan is amazing and I'm planning to go to a Le Leche League meeting: It's true. I talked to the leader of it and realize I need the support. I've been nursing wrong for 2 months, and a 45 minute conversation made me feel that 1. Ethan is not starving 2. I have been nursing wrong. Since yesterday, the whole process has improved drastically. I need to go to something like LLL because I need the encouragement to continue and to remember why this is all worth it (the nursing thing).

4. We live a freelance lifestyle. And I'm spontaneous and hate planning things, so this is good. BUT IT'S HARD. I can't plan anything. Mike is "on call for work" 12 hours a day, including weekends. But it's better this way. I wish we didn't have to work. I am a bona-fide Gen X slacker through and through.

5. The t-shirt line is coming back to life. After an AWFUL year with potential name law-suits and two factories that can't seem to sew a basic shirt, we are re-energized by a new identity. We have to sort of start over. We've settled on Living Room Clothing. Please tell me what you think. I know one person that hates the name, but everyone else seems to like it.

6. I'm not back to my pre-pregnancy weight, but I'm getting closer. I can't wait to not care about this anynmore.

7. I am trying to get back into Circle a little and I miss it and I love it, but I still feel connected to the Orthodox faith -- the formality of it...the depth in it. I feel more comfortable with God as a higher being than with Jesus as a friend. I feel more comfortable with respect than with familiarity. I also feel more comfortable with the idea that the Orthodox faith holds "We do not know anything. We only know what we don't know".

8. I miss having housemates But they could never withstand the chaos.

9. I start my 3rd class next week at UArts with my old housemate Phil. It's Indesign. I can't wait, but am worried about our "freelance life" and what will happen if Mike is working.

10. I'm going back to work and am updating my website slowly. I am not actively seeking it, but if it comes, I will work.

Lastly....................................
The secret.
I promise I will tell you. It's hard for me to tell you because it's something I don't want to admit and that I haven't been ready to deal with. Mike knows about it. I told Jessica. I just continue to struggle and know that when I write it, I have to deal with it. It's nothing terrible, but it's something that happened that I'm still wresting with. When I do, the post will only be devoted to that. And I need to write it in the next week.