So, so many thoughts

and so little time to write them. My mind is in overdrive. It's probably because I have all this time to think when I'm nursing. It's like I jump started some kind of analysis that's been asleep for awhile.

One of the first impacting thoughts I had was while I was driving down through deep South Philly and I saw this guy in a black oversized hoodie with big sneakers, huddled against the cold, smoking a cigarette and walking by himself...and I felt briefly attracted to him. And for the first time, I felt my old Upper Darby roots. I realized that as sheltered as we were from our surroundings, I still feel a strange attraction to the city guy. The working guy. The guy that's so simple...so unlike me. I get the concept of these cultured women that marry construction workers. There's something about the urbanness...the hopelessness...the gettingbyness of people that live in real neighborhoods that I love. Thank you Upper Darby.

Last night I was watching that show where they build people a new house and realized that we are in a really humanistic time right now, and that I REMEMBER...it wasn't always like this. We came from the "Me" generation. Everything was "if it feels good, do it". "Take good care of yourself, you belong to you..." etc. etc. There wasn't a lot of giving engrained in the culture, and all of the sudden there is and it's reflected in reality TV. They're always "surprising" someone or helping people or giving something away. Then there's the green movement. And the fact that it's cool to help people and do something that means something. I don't remember it being like this when I was younger. I love this era.

The other thing I can remember wanting to write about is that I'm trying to learn not to indulge. That I am an extremist. I put the heat on really hot. I turn the fan to the maximum level. If I'm in a massage chair, I think why would anyone not put it on the highest? Even with my breast pump, I put it on the fastest. If I have chocolate, I eat almost all of it in one day. I am a glutton in a lot of ways, but gluttony seems to kill people. Alcoholism=kidney disease. Smoking=lung cancer. Promiscuity=STDs. Doing anything too much seems to hurt you. I need to learn to be moderate.

The last thing I wanted to address is Ethan and what's happening and why I never said anything before. The truth is, I believe there's a strange sadistic side to humanity where people actually feel something (oddly) positive when something bad happens to another person because it's not happening to THEM, so they feel a strange sense of peace and relief. Not that anyone on this blog is like this, but the truth is, I think it's part of human nature and that no one can help it. I made it a rule during my pregnancy not to talk about any of what was going on. I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me or to feel separated from me or to say the words "isn't that a shame". I just wanted to be by myself in it.

My friend Chris asked me if Ethan is okay, and I realized that I didn't end my last post well. All my praise and thanks to God...Ethan is perfect. He has no health problems. He doesn't have downs syndrome. He is in perfect health in every way as far as anyone can tell. But I continue to worry about everything with him. The whole thing was so scary, I am extremely cautious about leaving the house with him.

I do have one more thing to tell you all (the secret from my last post) but I'm not ready to tell you. I will soon though. I miss and love all of you. Thank you guys for calling and writing me. Everything is great. The only problem is my fear.