it was the ultimate test

last night. Within hours of writing that last post, I had to do everything I'd just written about. And right before bed, I felt like I should read the Bible, but I didn't. I did crossword puzzles instead.

At 2 in the morning, Emmett woke up screaming at the top of his lungs, demanding to play. He was completely hysterical, kicking and shaking and unable to stop crying. Mike couldn't do anything, so I got up and got in bed with him and hugged him and whispered to him and tried as hard as I could to go through it with him, realizing of course, that he wasn't crying because he wanted to play exactly, but that that's what he felt. And I sat up with him for about an hour and a half talking. i made him a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich and slept in his bed with him (very uncomfortable for both of us). And when I told him I loved him, he very distinctly (through sobs) said "I love you too".

And I think I would have gotten an A+ on this test if it hadn't been for the second wake up at 4:30 in the morning. He woke me up, told me he couldn't sleep, and asked me if he still couldn't sleep could he go downstairs and play and I was calm and said no. It was when the baby started crying to nurse that I got a little upset. Mike came in and I said "I've been up for 4 hours (not true, it was only 2 and a half). I am so tired. I just want to sleep!" and i got up and went into my room and nursed. Emmett went to sleep in his old room in his old crib and woke up just a second ago, sleeping a little under 8 hours.

I just talked to one of the moms I know who mnade me feel like what I did was the right thing (thank you r.). She talked to me for about 30 minutes. I'm so fearful of the problems. I want so much to be a good mom.