I miss

being 10 years old and roller skating. In fact, I just miss being 10. When people wish they could go back in time and become 16 or 21 again, I don't get it. I wish I were 10 again. I miss going with my youth group to these group events like skiing and weekend retreats. I miss playing suicide on the wall of my old house. I miss my old house, as creepy as it was. I miss Upper Darby and walking through naylors Run to get to my high school. I miss the little dance I used to do with my sister in the mirror. I miss sitting in my parent's kitchen, with my two friends, "rapping" and making bead necklaces.

Warm weather makes me feel romantic or nostalgic. I go into this weird "alone" kind of pleasure, and every single memory feels so important.

"We're launching this August".

You know that song from The Sound of Music that goes "Wonder of wonder, miracles of miracles", that keeps going through my head right now. Here's what happened.After talking to someone from the Workers Right's Consortium, we found out about a conference on ethically responsible buying that was happening in Philadelphia on Thursday and Friday. We also found out it was expensive (about $1,495 each). I decided to call the headquarters in the UK and see if they would let us in for free. We prayed and asked God if he wanted us to go, that he would let us in. And somehow, the woman at the front seemed almost blinded by the fact that we didn't pay for it, and assigned us our badges like we were regular $3,000 attendees.

Imagine us, 10am on Thursday morning, printing out our pathetic little business cards on photo paper, and trying to throw together outfits, trying to get Emmett to watch TV. Our house became an office, every room in it. And as it turned out, Mike went for most of it, I went for some of it, and people like Coke, Nordstrom, the US Govt. and other big shot ethical people were there. But we talked to them and now they know who we are.

It's 6:42am and I still feel sick (after sleeping all day yesterday), but well enough to want to go outside. It's a beautiful day.

I burnt

my finger when i was making this major breakfast for Mike and Emmett this morning. I am so incredibly clumsy, I can't believe how many bruises I have. My left ankle has been hurt and swollen for about 2 weeks and I'm not dealing with it. I have a patch of red, swollen skin on my leg, that's agitated from scratching. I wish I had a perfect body.

Last night I went to bed early. In punishment, I woke up early. It seems my body has adjusted to this 6 hours of sleep per night, then afternoon nap schedule. It's impossible because by 10:30 I've been awake for at least 5 hours and then I'm exhausted.

Faith came over last night, which was awesome. I made dinner for our house, which was okay but a lot of work. I got a lot done yesterday and we have Naomi helping us with the administrative side of Living Wage. Our backyard fence is almost done. I promised Craig I'd go to Making Time tonight. I need to make cupcakes with Emmett, give him a bath, then watch he and his cousins at 12. It's 10:30 and I'm still in my pajamas.

Incidentally, everyone in this house wears plaid pajamas. When we're all in our pajamas together, we look like we live in a cabin, are on a Maxwell House commercial or are major dorks that try to match. This morning, both Wayne and Phil were wearing white shirts with their pajamas. This is so boring, I can't even believe I'm writing it.

I had an anxiety attack on Wednesday night, but unlike any other, it literally woke me up while I was sleeping. Mike rubbed my back for over an hour and oddly enough, it stopped at this point in the conversation:

e-"Mike, is anyone here?"
m-"no, just wayne is downstairs watching Lost".

I don't know why, but the second he ended that sentence, it was over.

I'm stressed out. i have lists all over the place. I feel overwhelmed with all that needs to happen for this business and the fact that i'm pregnant (so there it is) is making me feel unable to do what I need to do. (Constantly tired, can't bend over the same way, hate what's happening to my figure etc.)

I'll end it there since I just released major news in a minor way.

I think the thing I really dislike

about getting older is losing energy. I get tired so much more easily than I used to. I always hoped I had my father's genes (excessive energy that lasts for life) but I'm starting to think I have my mother's.

I fell asleep while a friend was over last night. Literally, on the couch, while there was a conversation happening. I've been up for an hour and a half and feel like I could go back to sleep for the day.

Emmett is getting so big I can't believe it. He informed me this morning that he had to go poopy, just in case I was wondering. Now, he's trying to negotiate that Mike change his shirt, not his pants. He's saying "How about you just change my shirt. Not my pants." This is following the ever enthusastic "Mommy! What are we doing today!!!".

Next week, he starts pre-school. I'm trying not to feel sad about this or monumentalize it like it's a big change in our relationship/Emmett's growth etc. But I guess it really is. In some ways, I feel a little guilty about it. But the truth is, he wants to go and I think he's ready. Mike and I are not able to devote as much time as we need to to this business (or at least I'm not) and we have a short deadline of August and a gigantic deadline (where a million things need to be done) of October. Incidentally, if anyone wants to help (it's volunteer at this point) let me know. I have a million things I have to do in terms of research -- but it has to be thorough.

Here are some quick things that are happening and going through my mind. Here is proof of ADD. I will just sit here for the next 5 minutes and write down anything that comes to my head:

1. I need to write thank you cards.
2. Emmett is a remarkably well-behaved child.
3. Coffee makes me hungry, but not want to eat.
4. Lost is getting better.
5. I really don't like talking on cell phones. I think they're going to find out it causes cancer.
6. I don't like almond flavoring.
7. I can't decide if we should paint all the wood trim in this house. I'm not sure if the mission thing is working in here.
8. I painted a door yesterday and I'm not sure about the ramifications of this action.
9. Emmett wants to crack the Easter Eggs we dyed.
10. I can't believe how boring this is.
11. Does anyone want an unworn American Apparel bra top that's very small? It's brand new. I got it free at a show.
12. I wish I had 3 weeks with nothing to do so I could do all my ebaying. I can't throw things away. I always think of the resale value.
13. I found a pair of sneakers I'm in love with, but they don't make them in the U.S.
14. It's amazing how different I feel when I'm showered and dressed.
15. I'm typing this in an email because our Internet wasn't working.
16. I take Mike's computer ability for grantide. I expect the best technology at all times.
17. Only certain parts of my body are cold right now.
18. I like the way "crow's feet" wrinkles look on certain people like Mike.
19. Phil gave me chocolate yesterday. I get commercials where mother's are telling their children some kind of treat is "Just for the mom". Emmett wants to eat this candy with me and I don't want to share.
20. I wish I had a staff of people to help me do every idea I think of.

Our meeting with Megan was amazing. We're gearing up for an intense amount of work over the next 2 months. I have a few subsiderary projects I have to figure out. Also, we're getting a fence in the backyard and even with the pieces lying around, it feels so different.

I am like a crazy person.

Emotionally, every second I am feeling something extreme. Today, I'm depressed. I'm confused about my life. I'm not sure if the decisions I made are right. I can't figure myself out totally. No one around me would ever guess this. I'm great at faking things and building facades.

Part of me is stable and *NEEDS* the confines of boundaries and peace in God. The other part of me is wreckless, pulled towards unstable things, and I'm not dealing with that side of myself. It's something I should have dealt with when I was younger, because the situation I'm in (married with a kid) has a responsibility connected to it that dictates this repression. I don't allow myself to think agnostically. I don't allow myself to think about "if I made a mistake" (not with Mike, but with ever being married) because where will it lead me? On both counts, concluding anything but the positive will spin me into serious depression and crossroads that will affect my family, so why even bother.

I'm afraid of my own thoughts. In response, I layer my thinking with distraction. It leads me to do is cover my life with activity and business...to get caught up in things that are silly...to invest in projects that give me some temporal satisfaction. It's all in avoidance of a deep sadness and insatiability that I can't seem to permanently get rid of. Having written this is even against my natural reasoning, because I think words make things worse for people that are word (or "in between lines", actually) and not action revealing.

I dream about everything to the point of disapointment. I'm not sure how I can be a stable force as a mother and a wife with these thought patterns. I get confused with who I am.

I go through these waves of trying to cut out whatever causes this thinking, and in this case, I know what the problem is. Does it make anything easier? No. I just start to think about how going around cutting things out is adding to the problem, not fixing it. But really, it does fix it, but cutting anything is ususally difficult for me.

I wish sometimes I could move far away from everything and everyone I know in complete isolation, except with Mike and Emmett and just try to focus only on them. But of course, we did that, and that was the most depressing time of my life.