There's a lot to be said

about a caring and loving person. Someone that's there through thick and thin and accepts every awful thing about you. There's something to be said for the man that sees you completely disgusting, doing horrible things, and being less than you want to be. The sad part is, the person that loves you the most is the person you feel most comfortable not loving because you know that no matter what, they'll still love you and want to try to make you happy.

I feel like I have continuously taken the person in my life for grantide. Through thick and thin, he has been there for me, by my side, supporting me -- loving me -- trying to help me through. He is like a crutch in my life and I don't acknowledge the importance of his support. I don't realize that the great and happy parts of who I am are a result of the security and love I feel at home. Just like a happy child with a loving family life, I am a happy adult with the same. Mike doesn't question what I'm doing, where I'm going or who I'm with. It's his goal to make me happy, even if it means that I participate in actions that make him feel sad or hurt. These are the things I continue to realize at 10:40 Thursday morning. That the biblical definition of love is one that my husband follows.

So I say here publicaly, because I know he reads this, that I am sorry for not being the kind of wife you deserve. And that even as I'm writing this I know that it will all happen again. I'm sorry that I treat my friends better than I treat you. I'm sorry that in marrying me, I created distance from you. I'm sorry that I expect you to be someone you're not. I am sorry Mike -- you deserve so much better than me, and I know it.

This blog really is my struggle with life. I am an odd-ball. I'm a nut. I'm not a normal woman, a normal mother or a normal person. I am unstable with tendencies towards extreme dreaming, and reality never fits in with how I want things to be. This is incredibly unfair to my husband first and foremost, who cannot become what he's not based on my momentary requirements.

I've worked hard to protect a certain amount of innocence and to keep things silly in life, but as I mature I realize that life really, really is hard. That all of this really is torture, no matter how you look at it. When I was alone and successful (financially and with career) I wanted nothing more than to be a housewife and a married woman, savoring the moments of cuddling up to midnight movies on Friday nights. Now that I'm a housewife and married to a wonderful man with an amazing child, I want nothing more than to be single and creative with no responsibilities. There is nothing outside of myself that can make me happy.

I prayed for the first time yesterday in such a long time and I honestly believe that that prayer has changed some things in me. And it makes me think that my husband, Michael Garson, models himself after Jesus. Quiet and accepting while I'm far away but always willing to take me back with unjudgmental love and a gentle, warm embrace.