A dream and a confessional.

Sexual Content Warning. Serious Confessional Content Warning.


















A Disturbing Dream

It's 4:25 am and I just woke up from a dream I was having...a disturbing dream with many parts, but a dream I was having about one of my close "ex" friends from high school. In this dream, I was walking down the street and sort of hitch hiking, but requiring that a golden car pick me up. It was a time parallel to now, only it was normal to ask for the color car to pick you up that matched your outfit. (*sorry if this is barely readable. I'm so tired).

Janine picked me up and I got in. She was driving the same car she'd driven in high school; a tattered old Nissan (?) in dingy bronze with black accents. Her car was actually NOT the right color, but I got in anyway because it was her. It had one of those seatbelts attached to the door (that attack you) and was dirty. It was like she was someone from the dead arising when she stopped. I was a little scared of her the way I'd be scared of a ghost.

I got into the car and she told me about how she's been living in Florida near the Caribbean and how much she loved it. She went into all these details and I felt like I was riding with a corpse (literally, afraid of her). She dropped me off into a picture and I was a teenage girl wearing Jordashe jeans and standing with three balloons. i was actually coloring in my own balloons (one of which had three smaller balloons in it) and I was drawn to the side, in an almost like alley area and I kept saying "See mom and dad. This is why I'm so messed up. You never noticed I was wearing Jordashe jeans". All of the sudden, this lesbian came over and started stroking my hair and asking me if I had a poem to tell, and I started crying and told her to get off (not because she was a lesbian even) and it was like I had all this super thick, curly hair when she was doing that.

Right after that, I was suddenly transferred to a cancer treatment center in what felt like a fine hotel. The lesbian was in a hotel pool that told me that she could recognize cancer in my neck and that I needed to be checked out. So I got Mike and went to the doctor (a female) who told us to wait in the lobby. While I was waiting, I was standing in front of the pool. The lesbian told me I had to get into the pool in order to be checked out for cancer. I didn't want to, but she kept saying it was the only way they could tell. This made me very worried and I told Mike, but he seemed to think we should ask the doctor. Then he mentioned that the lesbian was the "style I liked". A male doctor came out and told us that I would have to get into the pool in order for them to check me for cancer...that they wouldn't be able to see it any other way. The lesbian kind of looked up in a told you so kind of way.


Things that are making me unable to sleep

I woke up at that point, seriously disturbed by a million things a few of which are listed below:

* I am scared around women.
Between the ages of 18 and 25, I was rejected by so many women who were close to me, I actually reformed my behavior to be a lot less controversial, to make sure I ask questions, and to allow no confrontation or fighting. The girl janine, was one of the people that rejected me the hardest with little explanation. (This thought just in. I've also felt rejected by men, but for some reason, it's not as bad, so for 10 or so years, I've relied on men to make me feel fun, pretty, acceptable, okay etc.) With women that I'm close to that I think may get angry at me or reject me, I find myself walking on eggshells sometimes and creating distance unintentionally. One of my friends has felt this (JB--this is you) and I am having a hard time explaining this or reconciling this. Somehow, I think my past history with women has left me with something wrong. In fact, I always have this little imagination that the rejection I felt in the past, the damage it did, and the changes I made to make myself more acceptable left me like Jack Nicholson in One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest. Like the raw and honest part of my personality has been lopped off. If there's any danger, I'll do anything to avoid being dumped.

* I am worried about my baby.
I'm very worried that there's something wrong with this baby. Specifically, I'm worried that the baby is retarded. And even if it's born okay, I'm worried that it will be autistic. But I usually don't even get that far. I'm so worried there's something wrong with him now. I am worried that my baby is retarded because I'm being punished for being a bad wife to Mike, with straying thoughts (marriage wise) and that this will force me to be in this family more and will bring us closer together and that God will use this tragedy to bring me closer to him. I can't tell you how worried I am about this. I'm worried because in almost 2 years, I've barely prayed. I've had such little connection with God. I haven't been "trying" to be a better person. I am afraid of God also. I know very often, things happen for a reason and it would make sense for there to be something wrong with my baby in order to finally ring me into this role. I am at a higher risk for a baby with downs syndrome.

* I feel rejected by my friend C.B. (not Colin)
He's a guy and Mike thinks it's because he's immature and I'm pregnant and there's a natural divide that happens for a single guy with that. That the guy doesn't really know how to handle it and I'm not the light, fun, carefree person I was. This could be true, but it's hurtful to me. I'm worried that one of the reasons is because he was doing Living Wage stuff for me and stopped abruptly. I'm wondering if he thought I should pay him to do it (which I would have done). I just thought he wanted to volunteer.

* I'm worried that my subconscious thinks I'm a lesbian
I re-read my dream including the idea of me jumping into a "pool" and wondering, do I somewhere secretly think I'm gay? Why am I having what some people would consider a "coming out of the closet" dream. I don't feel gay. I don't even feel comfortable around women a lot of the time and imagining intimacy actually makes me shudder (anything "too soft" sexually makes me shudder). but do I somewhere secretly put all this rejection together and conclude that I am gay? I really wish I didn't have a dream where I was jumping into the lesbian pool.

* I'm worried about the festival magazine
It's not nearly as big as it was last year and I think it's because Mike and I haven't been going to church (St. George). I'm worried about the crunch at the last minute, but am also thinking about suggesting to Pete that we have someone try to call people to get more ads. Also, I'm worried about the Priest and if it is weird for him if we go to church next week and he sees us. I'm also worried because we need to baptise the baby and I want to do it in the Orthodox church, but we haven't been going to church.


I'm worried that I've been too mean to Emmett
He was crying so much today. He's been sick for over a week and I'm becoming impatient with him. He's been loving the attention -- I am sure of that, but today I needed to get things done. I was snappy with him, trying to hurry him to school. Promising to do a project with him and then letting him do the project himself. He wanted me to listen to a book with him (the kind with a CD) and I didn't. I am a shitty mom right now. I need to be better. I have the best kid in the world. Emmett has been noticing the fighting between Mike and I and keeps bringing it up saying things like "Mommy, you are my favorite and daddy is my second favorite" or "Mommy, daddy doesn't love you, but I do" or "Mommy, I don't like this house. I don't like this table. I don't like you" Today I said, "Emmett, are you saying that to get my attention"? And he said "Mommy. I want your attention. I want you to help me color this." And even though he said that, I set the timer for 10 minutes and told him I would help him for that long. He says things like "Mommy, why are you always mad at daddy" and I try to explain that it's not a big deal and that when a mommy has a baby inside of her, everything feels different and so she gets upset and that daddy isn't wrong etc. Guys, you can't imagine how much of a failure I feel like right now...to both my children. The fact that Emmett is noticing this, possibly being damaged. The fact that I haven't played with him in MONTHS... The fact that with this baby, for 8 months I've been feeling like I wish I wasn't pregnant and worried that this baby is retarded and that I smoked on and off throughout the pregnancy (not now, but before). I am so messed up. I DO NOT DESERVE MY SON. I DO NOT DESERVE MY HUSBAND. I try to escape sometimes. I go into a "single world" and I haven't wanted to give this up. I am so wrong. God please forgive me everything. I'm a mess.

And I wish Groove is In The Heart would get out of my head. It seems drastically inappropriate for how I feel right now. I'm going to get Emmett and bring him into bed with me.