I'm drawn to damaged things.

The underdog.

The runt of the litter.

The imperfect Christmas tree.

The face with a scar.


Yesterday, I began thinking about this -- quite randomly -- while we were eating breakfast on the Ocean City boardwalk. I began to think about the people I know, why I know them, how they're alike, how I'm like them, and what makes friendships work. Mike and I talked about it for 45 minutes and in the end, I came up with something I now firmly believe:


My Philosophy About Damaged People & Friendships

I believe people with the same amount of damage that process that damage in the same way, are drawn to one another.

In other words, the friends I have are damaged to the "same level" as I am and they deal with problems in the "same way" as I do. For me, the damage that I've experienced has created a crust of cynicism around me. It's created defenses to letting people too far in. It's created a toughness. It's created an alternative view of the world. BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, the way that I'm comfortable dealing with my own damage *Right Now* is by skirting over things and enjoying life in a silly kind of way. By being very busy. By laughing a lot and doing funny projects. By gettting overly into analyzing something of insignificence. In a way, at this stage of my life (age 34 with a kid), I am dealing with the things that have hurt me by not dealing with them and keeping everything light.


What All My Close Friends Have In Common

I sat there with Mike and examined every friendship I have and realized that every close friend** I have has been rejected by a parent. I also realized that every close friend I have is affected by this to the "same level" as I am.


My Amount of Damage on a Scale of 1-10

On a scale of 1 - 10 (10 being drug addict on street, 1 being almost dumb, happy person), my damage level is about a 6. I'm not terribly damaged, but I'm definitely cynical. I can function. I can lead a normal life. I can cope. BUT, I always feel different. I actually *feel* more than other people. My view of living is one of survival and I don't trust people in terms of getting too close. These things do add a creative depth to me, so I've learned to embrace these things. But behind it all, there's pain I'm sure.

Over the years, I've gone through "serious" periods of dealing with that pain and "accepting" periods of just accepting my past and keeping things light. For a few years now, I've been in a period of acceptance -- distracting myself with busy, silly things that make me laugh. Surrounding me have been other people able to do this.


Problems That Happen in Friendships Are Because of Damage
Problems in friendships occur when:

1. One person is MORE damaged than the other.
2. One person is LESS damaged than the other.
3. Although equally damaged, one person is processing their damage in a way that makes the other person feel uncomfortable at that stage of their life.

During pregnancy, there's a lot of introspection, sadness, and realization of life changes. Over these past 8 months, some of my "damage" is coming out in a deeper, less silly way. Armed with these thoughts and uncomfortable with THIS way of processing damage, the only trace of it most people will see and that I feel is here in this blog. Outside of that, there's a detached awareness of a depression that's surfacing and all these doors leading to dark corridors. Sadly, I don't like dealing with all this crap this way. I want these hormones to stop. i want to go back to the way everything was 8 months ago when the idea of a rock star marionette could make me laugh endlessly.


** There are a few exclusions to this and I addressed them with Mike. But what we realized is that these people, the people on the "cusp", have older siblings that experienced this type of damage and indirectly adopted the defenses and bitter crust due to influences by their older sibling.