It was after a call

to my friend that's brutally critical of me that I realized that I've adapted the mentality of a Queen in my marriage. I get so frustrated with Mike for not being a leader...for doing things slowly... And my friend said to me "You're all caught up with these gender roles. If you don't like how Mike does things, do it yourself. You act like this Queen like Mike has to do it, and by no means am I saying he's perfect, but there are a lot of things he can do better than you".

I got off the phone and tried to sort through this pile of stuff we got from my mom's house -- all our stuff in storage from before we moved to LA. And I found my paintings.
And unbeknown to you, I used to paint -- specifically huge paintings. One of them, a lady offered to buy one time. I told her it was $7,000 and she offered 2,500 and I said no -- a huge mistake. I pulled them out and looked at them and realized I still like them, but I wonder how much of that is connected with the woman that wanted to buy it. So I tried to see if they would fit upstairs. They are way too big.

And I found a painting I did that I hated, and I still hate it. I started chopping up the one I hate, cutting out little pieces of it that I liked to see if there was anything salavagable. But I'm so tired, now there's all these remnants of my paintings all over the place. I'm just so so tired.

From watching Misery until 2 in the morning while Mike was out with his friends. From waking up at 5am yesterday because the baby wanted to nurse. From thinking....I get tired from all this thinking. I think far too much about everything and I can't shut it off. I need TV. It's the only thing that works.

My dad's side of the family is extremely energetic. My mom's side is sensitive and thoughtful. I am a mixture. I have a passionate desire to produce, but I have this extreme side of me that thinks about everything non-stop. It's like a goldfish that with every turn, sees something new.

Here are things that I thought or am thinking:
1. I'm a terrible mother
2. I believe in Quantum Physics
3. I get very cold because I'm Greek and belong in a hot climate
4. I'm moved in my career to the point that I won't do certain work
5. Mike and I are both into dealhunting and it's something we didn't realize the whole time we were dating -- even though that's what we were doing half the time.
6. Ethan is not as emotional as Emmett. I think I can tell this already.
7. I love feeling exhillerated
8. This time of having no time will end.
9. There are certain friends that do not read this blog that I feel obligated to hang out with. (I repeat, they do not read this blog or even know I have a blog).
10. I dont' usually wake up cranky.
11. I wonder if we're part of something larger. Like, are we in a cell of something?
12. I hate taxes
13. Why can't people hang paintings outside, like on their fence?
14. I think a person's visually appearance contributes significantly to their personality.
15. I think cooking is a waste of time.
16. I've always wanted to find my pizza stone and now that I have it, it feels like a burden.
17. I don't really enjoy eating unless I'm extremely hungry. Otherwise it's an oral fixation.
18. I think of God in a more Eastern way.
19. I think all these medications may actually be contributing to other health problems.
20. When i was sick, I really thought about someway to manufacture mucus so I could make money from it.
21. When Ethan is sleeping, I don't get enough done.
22. I'm so, so tired.