This picture reminds me of my dad
and the way he looks at me sometimes.
Awhile ago, I dealt with this whole thing about being rejected by men -- 3 men particularly, that it seemed like little actions or words would send into a fury. One of these people is my father. And at this point, he's the only one that carries this irritation with him.
Last night I talked to someone that reminds me of my dad (and has gotten irritated with me in the same way) and really asked what it is that I do that can cause this kind of reaction to little things (not putting a tape in a player right or not measuring something correctly). For a very long time, I have felt that I'm just an irritating person to this type of man and I have faulted myself with a deficiency.
The conversation last night didn't make me feel like everything was okay, but it did allow a little more room for the fact that it's not always me. That these men are moody and dark and get irritated with everyone. There's something in my personality that irritates them to the point of a snap.
It is the worst to "irritate" someone when you don't know what you're doing wrong. This look (above, minus the knife) is the worst feeling you can ever imagine getting -- especially, when you have no idea of what you're doing wrong. The conversation (unfortunately) led me to feeling like I should separate myself even more from my father, and not talk to him as much.
posted by sabbeth @ 9:11 AM
6 comments
6 Comments:
Fritz--If you're still around...what happened to your blog?
I'm here! I'm sorry: I had to change the website address because someone at work got a hold of the blog, and I don't want these people to know a THING about my outside-work life. So! The new address is: http://subjecttoapproval.blogspot.com. Everything is intact!
And listen: my dad has just said about my blog that it was crude and content-less, and that I should not be so self-centered to think anyone would care about my thoughts. Yeah, nice. This is the man who is constantly telling me that I'm not doing enough to make MYSELF happy; I need another job, etc; Michael isn't good enough for me, blah blah. It still really hurts, but there is a point where I have to cock my head and look at HIM...his father treated HIM like an annoyance, and I'm disappointing him in much the same fashion. But that's not my fault. I love him, and forgive him for being this way, because that's all I CAN do, but I try not to permit him to affect me so...sometimes, you have to take a break.
Jesus said, "Don't cast your pearls before the swine". Not to call your dad a pig, but these are the first men in our lives, right? And if they can't treat us the right way (the way Christ treated the church), then of COURSE we're going to always feel a little rejected by men. Michael has to tell me ten thousand times a day that I'm good enough...and he shouldn't have to. That was my dad's job, and he failed. So, I have to do it myself...
And that's okay...
I'm glad you posted!! Come find me! You can always email me directly, too...
OH! And your friends are so cool! Are you sure you people aren't in a cult or something? Frauline had very nice things to say about my pictures; I was really touched, and can't wait to get to know folks better...
Thanks for the good father thoughts. I think you're totally right. I do love my dad too. In some ways, I care way too much about what he thinks.
And if there were a "blog cult", I think we'd be in it. We're all really good friends, but we communicate a lot through our blogs. Most of (except me) are in Philadelphia, although there is one that's in Texas.
"Frae" is the best. Welcome to our little circle...
To All-Thank you so much for writing about this. It feels good to be in the company of people that can relate and I really appreciate you guys giving me insight into your own relationships.
I think it will be good for you to move to Philly and be a bit more separate from your parents. I also think you are right that it's not you, but the other person's own penchant to get irritated easily, and you're just sensitive to it. I'm sorry that you had to deal with this with your dad, though...parents are so important that this kind of thing can be quite damaging.
(i haven't looked at above comments so maybe all these points are covered, but that's my 2 cents)
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