It was like a fire
last night. My fury burned up everything I have been working toward. All these Christian posts...all this effort toward trying to be a good person...it was gone in like 5 seconds when Mike said some side comment about needing space. (this is an add-in after I finished my post) Mike is by no means perfect, but the crime was not worth the punishment.
I feel like I burned down everything -- but most tragically -- I burned him down. I flattened him with the worst insults I could think of.
The worst thing is that God gave me what I needed to stop this rage. I kept thinking of what I wrote on my own kitchen dry erase board. That whole chapter that addresses Love -- Love is patient etc. But it meant nothing to me.
And believe it or not (and Mike will read this here for the first time), this whole fury was brought on by Sex in the City -- I show I never watched before. Last night I watched it two episodes in a row and felt jealous of THEM and the freedom I used to have. I can't believe that at this age a TV show can affect me to the degree it did.
I have to remember again that even though some people may not be, I AM affected by what I see and what I hear.
posted by sabbeth @ 10:01 AM
5 comments
5 Comments:
I can understand why that show might make you feel jealous. Their lives seem so fun and whimsical and free-spirited. But that show is a lie. Most single women in their 30s are done with dating and sleeping around, live in fear of being alone forever, worry that they are getting too old to have a kid and really want to find their partner. Case in point-- that show ended with everyone settling down.
I know this is not the main point of your post, though. I think it's perfectly understandable that you mourn the loss of freedom you had when you were younger and had fewer responsibilities. Displacing your anger on Mike isn't great, but you recognize this and are working on it. You're a good person and a good wife who occasionally makes mistakes.
Rather than compare or find comfort in the negatives of the SATC world, it might be good to understand that each set of lifestyle choices has its good and bad points and to figure out how to be at peace with your choices. There's a Buddhist/New Agey quote that says:
"'There' is no better than here. Once your 'there' has become 'here' you will simply obtain another 'there' that again looks better than 'here.'"
a bit convoluted, but basically the same idea as the grass is always greener. You and I will always be people who feel we're missing out. This is the thing to work on. This is the thing that God and the universe wants us to understand: We are exactly where we are supposed to be.
(and you know I struggle with this from the other side, right?)
J.
xoxox
"J" makes a good point. I didn't mean to imply that being single is all bad, only to point out that it, too, has its negative aspects. When possible, it's best to focus on the positive parts of your life and find comfort there. But sometimes you can't, so you have to remember that the "greener" life has its bad side, too. And that can bring you back to appreciating your own life.
(I hope I didn't offend you, J. I'm not married, which is how I know about the hard side of being single.)
Don't worry, you didn't offend me at all! (I've actually been married, so I know first hand both sides)
I like what 'J' wrote...a philosopher whose name I forgot (Forgive me, Socrates) once said that the world we live in IS the perfect world, exactly how God designed it. That's because everything that happens makes the world even more...perfect. In our clumsy views, the world is far from perfect.
But God, in infinite wisdom and love, made us creatures that need mates. He also made us ornery, moody, and given to tantrums. I pitch them all the time. People who love me roll their eyes and whisper, "There she goes again." And they forgive me.
But don't let me condescend...because your space is as important as your husband's. Not that I'm the expert..by no means, I'm still in la-di-da love and can't get enough of my Michael. I know that will end, someday, and we'll have the same argument.
Sometimes the dynamite blows a little harder than we meant, and that is human nature.
And by the way, Sex and the City is one of those shows that you don't want to like but still end up getting involved in. Heck, everytime I've watched it, I want a new pair of senseless shoes. So you're definitely not the only one who gets impacted by television. I think it is awesome you recognize that, and can remember that the next time 'Misery' comes on. Just kidding...
You really didn't upset the applecart as far as God is concerned, I don't think. It's true: mistakes don't cancel out good deeds, and tempers don't equal evil.
Keep your head up!
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