She's going to run away.

Shes going to run away
Originally uploaded by elisabethie.

I feel so afraid, to this day, of rejection by women. It's the strangest thing for a person as overly confrontation as I am. When it comes to women, I am very scaredn of any kind of conflict.

I'd like to thank my friend, Zoey, that has stuck with me through this and is reteaching me how to be a friend to a girl. Thank you so much.

As in touch with this as I am, I have no coping skills when it comes to conflict with my girlfriends, I do anything I can to avoid discussion. With my male friends, I can say anything. There's nothing that can break the friendship. But with my female friends, as soon as there is a conflict, my immediate reaction is to run -- very fast and far in a "I knew she wasn't a real friend" kind of way.

This weekend, I had a difficult discussion with my friend Zoey and she allowed me to say what I really felt. My voice was literallly shaking and I was breathing heavily, barely even able to say what I felt. And she listened and didn't leave me or yell at me.

She told me the only problem she has with me is that we don't talk about these things, and I was overcome with a strange emotion, that made me feel like weaping. I said to her directly "I'm afraid you're going to reject me" and she said "I'm not going to reject you" and I actually believed her.

I am amazed at this strange problem I have. Although I've known it and referenced it for years, this is the first time I've actually touched it. Thank you Zoey, again, for giving me the benefit of the doubt and promising to stick with me, no matter how badly I mess up.