I miss beth.

I miss her so much. I took a nap this afternoon and I dreamed about moving to New Mexico near her, and in my dream, we lived in a very uncomfortable house with low ceilings and I felt very detached from everything. But all day today, I've been thinking of her...wishing she lived in Philly again. Lamenting the loss of the mom I felt completely uninhibited around. If she had stayed, I'm convinced Beth would have become one of my closest friends. Here she is: http://www.ehaidle.com/ She also writes Comicosmos. And the book photo is a book she has on Amazon.

As always, so much is happening and I want to write some things down for my own archival sake.

My Kids
Ethan: Ethan continues to produce feelings in me I can't believe I can experience. My heart leaps when he smiles at me. I feel love so strong, when I hug him I'm actually squeezing him. I love holding him. I love his smile and his utter "maleness" that's evident even as a baby. He is a BOY from the start, with this boyish personality that involves a brute strength and simple (but demanding) view of things he wants. I am worried because the back of his head is still flat and I keep imagining this boy I went to highschool with that had a very flat head.

Emmett: He is so incredibly sensitive, slow, intelligent and unusual. He sees things (in clouds and puddles) in shapes that I see them. He flips positive space and negative space in forms just like me, and at last, I can say to someone "Doesn't the shape of that mountain look like a solider holding a jacket" and Emmett will say "I see that Mommy...and it looks like the jacket has a hood". Emmett's sensitivity is also like me, but I have a tough skin and a (sometimes) blunt disposition. So a quick flash of frustration is perceived by Emmett and he takes it very personally. And unlike me, Emmett holds his feelings in. To deal with this, I made a sign that's hanging on the fridge that has a picture of Emmett imaginging me angry with the words "Are you mad at me". whenever Emmett thinks I'm mad, he is supposed to give me that picture.

Last night, I had some friends over and found myself endlessly frustrated with them and the way I relate with them. All of them are atheist or agnostic or something, and they think it's a great time to attack my religious beliefs. I let a lot go, but finally, it all came to a head. I said "You love to criticize me. You love to say what you think. You love to attack and assume everything I say is wrong. But you give me no chance to defend myself. You don't care what I actually think." and in a pause, one of them made the serious mistake of asking me what I thought. I looked at them and in a burst said (without even thinking about it) " I think you're all really, really stupid. You don't think there's ANYTHING besides you? You think mankind is the "top"?

And I realized that I believe that anyone that can't (at the very least) UNDERSTAND why people believe there's a higher power of some kind or have some kind of reasoning or belief about how everything works --- ARE stupid in my opinion. It is NATURAL for mankind to seek God. It's been happening since the beginning of time. There is a collective unconscious.

I slept all day today thanks to my awesome husband. I also revisited a site that fascinated me 3 years ago. It's all about the way men think of women. Anyway, it's found here: http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html I didn't get as into it this time, but believe there's some merit in what this guy is saying, as unfortunate as it is.

Our t-shirts are on order. I won't say much more than that.
We're Living Room Clothing now.
More later.